We stand with[current thing].
Not the previous thing.
Not the next thing.
This thing. Without reservation.
OUR POSITION PRECEDES THE FACTS.
THE FACTS WILL RECEIVE DUE CONSIDERATION.The science
is settled.
The discussion is closed.
Something has happened. Most of us were not there. Several of us have read about it. A position has nevertheless been reached, and we expect it to be respected.
At Current Thing Club, we regard public agreement as evidence of good character. Understanding the subject is welcome, provided it does not delay agreement.
Our concern is genuine. Its public record is extensive. Its effect on the situation has not been assessed.
The TV
has spoken.
The coverage is conclusive. The sources quote one another.
Initial coverage.
The first report establishes the terms. Corrections may follow. They will not receive the same distribution.
Public agreement.
The position is described as obvious once enough people have repeated it. Anyone still asking how it was reached is now part of the story.
Prepare to prepare.
A response is being prepared. Further meetings will establish whether the response should include action. Attendance already counts as action.
Subsequent coverage.
A new subject takes priority. The previous subject remains important, although nobody has been assigned to remember why.
We have made
our feelings clear.
The statement condemns what ought to be condemned and supports what ought to be supported. It names no obligations for the people issuing it.
We call it moral inrage. It is boisterous in public and undetectable in the accounts. By the third statement, we are whispering in uppercase. The wording is stronger. The commitment is unchanged.
Don't buy the t-shirt. The manufacturer has issued the same statement as us. Neither of us has changed suppliers.
“We stand with [current thing]. We consider this statement an adequate account of our involvement.”
STATUS: NO FURTHER ACTION SCHEDULED.
APPROVED FOR PUBLICATION.
RESPONSIBILITY REMAINS UNSPECIFIED.
The matter
is settled.
What exactly is [current thing]?
The subject on which a public position is currently expected. The subject changes. The expectation does not.
What happened to [previous thing]?
It remains a defining moral issue. We have stopped covering it.
Can I care about more than one thing?
Privately. Publicly, concern for a second issue may be treated as an attempt to diminish the first. This is infantile. It is also the policy.
What if new information comes out?
Our position will be updated. The updated position will be described as our consistent position. Earlier statements will remain available to people with too much time.
Is this an actual organization?
No. This is an independent satire of public conformity and performative concern, not a news source, campaign, or charity. There are no members, donations, or data collection.